Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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