ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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