So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
