I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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