Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
