this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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