if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
