I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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