We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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