Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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