I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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