If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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