Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
