There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
