Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
