I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
