Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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