her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
