you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
