Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
