woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
