Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
