i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
