my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
