I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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