Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
