She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
