Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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