Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
