YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
