At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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