I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
