just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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