I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
