As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
