I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
