pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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