talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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