Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
