The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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