im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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