Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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