Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
