If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
