Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
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dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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