I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The feeling are messing with the penis
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
