We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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