I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
