Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
