I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
