I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
