Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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