was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
