the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
