Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
