Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
