You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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